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Invisible

Yep. That’s how I feel 99% of the time. It’s gotten to the point where I’m constantly over-sharing on Facebook where I know that people don’t REALLY want to know the stuff I’m saying, simply so that I can feel like someone SEES me.

I don’t want to be fawned over. That has never been, nor will it ever be, my style. I intensely dislike being in the ‘spotlight’ unless I’m on stage. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me.

I do, however, feel like I’m completely passed over (by a majority of the people I know . . . there are a few here and there who always stop and say hello, bless their hearts!) unless someone needs me. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to be needed, but it gets a little transparent when no one realises I might need THEM.

I might need them to actually care more than a perfunctory ‘how are you? heard you haven’t been feeling well’ comment when you know they don’t REALLY want to know the real answer to that question. I might need a friend who actually sees ME and can tell when I’m faking the smile . . . I might need to feel loved instead of just needed (and yes, there is a difference).

Before anyone says that I need to reach out to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to me, rest assured, I DO! I just wish it would come to more than just an occasional casual friendship. It’s been 2 years since my most recent BFF moved away, and I miss her so much. L was just the kind of person who could see ME for ME . . . and I could see her for her . . . and I miss that. I absolutely know that she’s where she is supposed to be, but at the same time, I miss knowing that no matter what, there was someone close by (in my own city) who actually could tell I’m not invisible.

I’m so tired . . . and it’s not just the autoimmune issues talking. I am weary of pretending everything’s ok. I would LOVE to have someone to hold my hand when I say that and say ‘I know it’s not.’

I just want a friend.

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Songs of Our Land

Being a home schooling mom to one has its advantages. One of those is the ability for Christopher and I to attend the Edmonton Symphony every once in a while. The ESO does a yearly concert series for school children, and has graciously made it possible for home schooling families to get in on the fun!

The concert ‘theme’ for this year was ‘Songs of Our Land: music celebrating the spirit of Alberta’. They started out with Aaron Copland’s ‘Hoedown’ from ‘Rodeo’, which is something I remember playing parts of in orchestra back at university, so that was a treat. Since there is a very strong Native influence in Alberta, we were treated to a Metis fiddle group from one of the local schools, a Cree drumming circle (complete with a dancer!) and an Inuit throat singer. ‘The Song of Hiawatha’ from Dvorak’s ‘New World Symphony’ was presented, as well as ‘The Swan’ by Saint-Saens. The finale number was performed by a group of Metis Jiggers, and was a perfect ending to an amazing concert.

This was a very emotional concert for me. It started off with the singing of ‘O Canada’, and as I sang the words to that hymn, I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and love for my adopted nation. When the ESO played the Dvorak, tears were streaming down my face as I recalled that piece of music being a favourite of my Grandpa Rees, and the sentimentality of it carried over to remembering my Grandpa Goodrich who passed away almost a year ago.

As poignant as those moments were though, the real emotion of this morning was amazement at the beautiful music of the Native peoples. Their connection to the land and to nature and to the Great Spirit was very evident in the way they played and sang and danced. It made me grateful to be an Albertan.

Answered Prayer

I had the neatest experience last night and into this morning. One that still makes me smile and tear up. Last night (and it’s a long story why, involving my OCD and organising the blogs I read into various categories ~ don’t ask!), I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to make me aware of one of His little ones who was going through a medical trial and needed my prayers. At the time, I thought that the likelihood of that prayer being answered specifically was a wee bit slim, and resolved to pray for ALL of Father’s little ones, even if I couldn’t pray for them by name.

Oh me of little faith! God answered my prayer in a big and unexpected way this morning. I was reading blogs like I usually do in the mornings, when I came across Ashley’s (Make It and Love It) blog post for today: all about her college roommate Katie, and her 1 year old son Dylan who will be having leg amputation surgery on Wednesday morning due to a medical condition. (The details of Dylan’s story are found in Katie’s blog about the topic.)

Wow, was I ever humbled. As tears ran down my face, I prayed for Dylan’s surgery to go well, and for Katie and her family to be blessed with peace. I also thanked my Father in Heaven for showing me that He is bigger than my imagination; that He can answer even the most seemingly ‘obscure’ prayers in a BIG way!¬†

What Would You Do?

A question was asked recently on a forum I visit which got me thinking about some things. While this isn’t the exact question that was asked, I’m curious to know what any (or all!) of you would do when faced with the following scenario:

It is likely that you have a specific medical condition. There is no cure, but the condition is not immediately life-threatening (studies don’t show increased morbidity at all, unless complications arise). Treatments may or may not alleviate the symptoms, which, while annoying, are things you’ve lived with for several years before this possible diagnosis even appeared on the horizon.

What would you do? Would you seek a diagnosis just to have a diagnosis? Or would you just leave well enough alone? If you would seek a diagnosis, would you opt for treatment that may not work and definitely has side effects?

I know I’m being purposely vague here . . . because honestly, there are likely a myriad conditions to which the above scenario can be applied.

Discuss away! ūüôā

Being

First of all, I wanted to thank all of you who took the time to read and comment on my last post.  I was in a discouraging place, and your kind and thought-provoking words helped me move on from there.

I’ve felt more sure of myself since writing (ever notice how writing is cathartic like that?), but for some reason have hesitated to post anything else on here. ¬†I now know why. ¬†There was a post I needed to read first before being able to sort out my thoughts.

Our lives are filled with a myriad ‘forks in the road’ as it were. ¬†Choices are made every day that can alter the way our lives play out. ¬†There is often not a wrong or a right to the everyday, mundane choices we make. ¬†(Thank goodness, or can you imagine the utter paralysing fear that we’d be in constantly????)

I made the mistake of presuming that the voice inside my head telling me that I’m not good enough was unavoidable. ¬†That I had no choice but to hear it. ¬†Truth of the matter is, I DO choose to hear it . . . most likely from fear of rejection (I’ve had issues with THAT my entire 35 years of life . . . ugh!).

Well, no more!

Today, and every day if necessary, I CHOOSE to be the person God created me to be . . .

I CHOOSE to be a Godly wife who submits herself willingly to a righteous husband’s leadership

I CHOOSE to be a mother who teaches her only son how to become a righteous man through the everyday learning process that is our home school

I CHOOSE to be the listening ears, the warm embrace, the LOVE that friendship is all about

I CHOOSE to follow God’s plan for me . . .

which means . . .

I CHOOSE to sing as if no one but God is listening

(PS ~ this post was written on Tuesday, but I delayed posting until today because I was hoping to figure out how to use the technology available to me to add a clip of me singing, which obviously hasn’t happened yet . . . stay tuned?)

Becoming

Anybody who knows me knows I love music. ¬†I’m happiest when I’m listening to beautiful music, or sitting at the piano playing what comes into my head, and especially when I’m singing . . .

Lately though, it seems like the limited¬†opportunities¬†I have had to sing aren’t enough. ¬†I’m in my element during the Christmas season when I’ve got choir rehearsals every week. ¬†But, once January hits and there are no more rehearsals, I find myself fighting a funk.

It’s hard to explain how I feel when I’m singing. ¬†The best description I can come up with is that when I’m NOT singing, I feel earthbound, trapped in some way that I can’t quite escape. ¬†When I sing, I fly . . . I’m free . . . I soar above all the heartache and hurt and ‘stuff’ of this earthly existence and I become who I am meant to be.

I want that flying, freeing feeling more often. ¬†And yet . . . and yet, I’m scared.

All my life, people have told me that I have a gift for music, that I have a pretty singing voice. ¬†But, no matter what anyone says, always, always in the back of my mind there’s this nagging voice telling me that they are just being nice, humouring me.

I’m sure you’ve seen the show American Idol. ¬†The audition shows are impossible for me to watch. ¬†I see those kids who think they’ve got what it takes, but really don’t . . . and I see me . . . I can just see myself walking in to that room and hearing Simon Cowell (ok, so he’s no longer on the show, but you get my point) telling me that I’m awful, horrible and should never sing again.

I’m caught in a catch 22 I think . . . the only time I can’t hear the voice inside my head telling me that I can’t sing is when I’m actually singing . . . but hearing that voice has made it harder for me to actually do the thing that makes me stop hearing it. I’ve already stopped singing solos, which I used to love to do.

I don’t know how to stop hopping around on the ground and allow myself to feel free to fly . . . to become . . .

I wish I did.