Yep. That’s how I feel 99% of the time. It’s gotten to the point where I’m constantly over-sharing on Facebook where I know that people don’t REALLY want to know the stuff I’m saying, simply so that I can feel like someone SEES me.
I don’t want to be fawned over. That has never been, nor will it ever be, my style. I intensely dislike being in the ‘spotlight’ unless I’m on stage. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me.
I do, however, feel like I’m completely passed over (by a majority of the people I know . . . there are a few here and there who always stop and say hello, bless their hearts!) unless someone needs me. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to be needed, but it gets a little transparent when no one realises I might need THEM.
I might need them to actually care more than a perfunctory ‘how are you? heard you haven’t been feeling well’ comment when you know they don’t REALLY want to know the real answer to that question. I might need a friend who actually sees ME and can tell when I’m faking the smile . . . I might need to feel loved instead of just needed (and yes, there is a difference).
Before anyone says that I need to reach out to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to me, rest assured, I DO! I just wish it would come to more than just an occasional casual friendship. It’s been 2 years since my most recent BFF moved away, and I miss her so much. L was just the kind of person who could see ME for ME . . . and I could see her for her . . . and I miss that. I absolutely know that she’s where she is supposed to be, but at the same time, I miss knowing that no matter what, there was someone close by (in my own city) who actually could tell I’m not invisible.
I’m so tired . . . and it’s not just the autoimmune issues talking. I am weary of pretending everything’s ok. I would LOVE to have someone to hold my hand when I say that and say ‘I know it’s not.’
I just want a friend.