Yep. That’s how I feel 99% of the time. It’s gotten to the point where I’m constantly over-sharing on Facebook where I know that people don’t REALLY want to know the stuff I’m saying, simply so that I can feel like someone SEES me.
I don’t want to be fawned over. That has never been, nor will it ever be, my style. I intensely dislike being in the ‘spotlight’ unless I’m on stage. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me.
I do, however, feel like I’m completely passed over (by a majority of the people I know . . . there are a few here and there who always stop and say hello, bless their hearts!) unless someone needs me. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to be needed, but it gets a little transparent when no one realises I might need THEM.
I might need them to actually care more than a perfunctory ‘how are you? heard you haven’t been feeling well’ comment when you know they don’t REALLY want to know the real answer to that question. I might need a friend who actually sees ME and can tell when I’m faking the smile . . . I might need to feel loved instead of just needed (and yes, there is a difference).
Before anyone says that I need to reach out to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to me, rest assured, I DO! I just wish it would come to more than just an occasional casual friendship. It’s been 2 years since my most recent BFF moved away, and I miss her so much. L was just the kind of person who could see ME for ME . . . and I could see her for her . . . and I miss that. I absolutely know that she’s where she is supposed to be, but at the same time, I miss knowing that no matter what, there was someone close by (in my own city) who actually could tell I’m not invisible.
I’m so tired . . . and it’s not just the autoimmune issues talking. I am weary of pretending everything’s ok. I would LOVE to have someone to hold my hand when I say that and say ‘I know it’s not.’
Being a home schooling mom to one has its advantages. One of those is the ability for Christopher and I to attend the Edmonton Symphony every once in a while. The ESO does a yearly concert series for school children, and has graciously made it possible for home schooling families to get in on the fun!
The concert ‘theme’ for this year was ‘Songs of Our Land: music celebrating the spirit of Alberta’. They started out with Aaron Copland’s ‘Hoedown’ from ‘Rodeo’, which is something I remember playing parts of in orchestra back at university, so that was a treat. Since there is a very strong Native influence in Alberta, we were treated to a Metis fiddle group from one of the local schools, a Cree drumming circle (complete with a dancer!) and an Inuit throat singer. ‘The Song of Hiawatha’ from Dvorak’s ‘New World Symphony’ was presented, as well as ‘The Swan’ by Saint-Saens. The finale number was performed by a group of Metis Jiggers, and was a perfect ending to an amazing concert.
This was a very emotional concert for me. It started off with the singing of ‘O Canada’, and as I sang the words to that hymn, I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and love for my adopted nation. When the ESO played the Dvorak, tears were streaming down my face as I recalled that piece of music being a favourite of my Grandpa Rees, and the sentimentality of it carried over to remembering my Grandpa Goodrich who passed away almost a year ago.
As poignant as those moments were though, the real emotion of this morning was amazement at the beautiful music of the Native peoples. Their connection to the land and to nature and to the Great Spirit was very evident in the way they played and sang and danced. It made me grateful to be an Albertan.
I had the neatest experience last night and into this morning. One that still makes me smile and tear up. Last night (and it’s a long story why, involving my OCD and organising the blogs I read into various categories ~ don’t ask!), I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to make me aware of one of His little ones who was going through a medical trial and needed my prayers. At the time, I thought that the likelihood of that prayer being answered specifically was a wee bit slim, and resolved to pray for ALL of Father’s little ones, even if I couldn’t pray for them by name.
Oh me of little faith! God answered my prayer in a big and unexpected way this morning. I was reading blogs like I usually do in the mornings, when I came across Ashley’s (Make It and Love It) blog post for today: all about her college roommate Katie, and her 1 year old son Dylan who will be having leg amputation surgery on Wednesday morning due to a medical condition. (The details of Dylan’s story are found in Katie’s blog about the topic.)
Wow, was I ever humbled. As tears ran down my face, I prayed for Dylan’s surgery to go well, and for Katie and her family to be blessed with peace. I also thanked my Father in Heaven for showing me that He is bigger than my imagination; that He can answer even the most seemingly ‘obscure’ prayers in a BIG way!