Invisible

Yep. That’s how I feel 99% of the time. It’s gotten to the point where I’m constantly over-sharing on Facebook where I know that people don’t REALLY want to know the stuff I’m saying, simply so that I can feel like someone SEES me.

I don’t want to be fawned over. That has never been, nor will it ever be, my style. I intensely dislike being in the ‘spotlight’ unless I’m on stage. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me.

I do, however, feel like I’m completely passed over (by a majority of the people I know . . . there are a few here and there who always stop and say hello, bless their hearts!) unless someone needs me. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to be needed, but it gets a little transparent when no one realises I might need THEM.

I might need them to actually care more than a perfunctory ‘how are you? heard you haven’t been feeling well’ comment when you know they don’t REALLY want to know the real answer to that question. I might need a friend who actually sees ME and can tell when I’m faking the smile . . . I might need to feel loved instead of just needed (and yes, there is a difference).

Before anyone says that I need to reach out to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to me, rest assured, I DO! I just wish it would come to more than just an occasional casual friendship. It’s been 2 years since my most recent BFF moved away, and I miss her so much. L was just the kind of person who could see ME for ME . . . and I could see her for her . . . and I miss that. I absolutely know that she’s where she is supposed to be, but at the same time, I miss knowing that no matter what, there was someone close by (in my own city) who actually could tell I’m not invisible.

I’m so tired . . . and it’s not just the autoimmune issues talking. I am weary of pretending everything’s ok. I would LOVE to have someone to hold my hand when I say that and say ‘I know it’s not.’

I just want a friend.

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4 thoughts on “Invisible

  1. I’m sorry, Kate. šŸ˜¦ I can understand where you’re coming from; it is hard when you don’t have the kind of friendships you crave. I’m not someone who likes the spotlight, either, but I do need the social connections of real friendships. I think we’re both lucky to have good husbands that will listen but having a good friend is important, too.

    For what it’s worth — I think you’re wonderful. šŸ™‚

  2. I may be weird or unusual in this, but when I ask how someone is doing, I really do want to know the answer. It’s good when they tell me how things are, because how can we help or support each other if we don’t know what’s going on?

    I’m so sorry you feel invisible. I wish I had stopped by your blog more frequently in the past few months, but it’s not because you aren’t important to me. I cherish the sweet comments you have left for me and for Lauren. I just don’t go to ANYONE’S blog much at all these days, other than Lauren’s (trying to cut way back on internet time).

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