Becoming

Anybody who knows me knows I love music.  I’m happiest when I’m listening to beautiful music, or sitting at the piano playing what comes into my head, and especially when I’m singing . . .

Lately though, it seems like the limited opportunities I have had to sing aren’t enough.  I’m in my element during the Christmas season when I’ve got choir rehearsals every week.  But, once January hits and there are no more rehearsals, I find myself fighting a funk.

It’s hard to explain how I feel when I’m singing.  The best description I can come up with is that when I’m NOT singing, I feel earthbound, trapped in some way that I can’t quite escape.  When I sing, I fly . . . I’m free . . . I soar above all the heartache and hurt and ‘stuff’ of this earthly existence and I become who I am meant to be.

I want that flying, freeing feeling more often.  And yet . . . and yet, I’m scared.

All my life, people have told me that I have a gift for music, that I have a pretty singing voice.  But, no matter what anyone says, always, always in the back of my mind there’s this nagging voice telling me that they are just being nice, humouring me.

I’m sure you’ve seen the show American Idol.  The audition shows are impossible for me to watch.  I see those kids who think they’ve got what it takes, but really don’t . . . and I see me . . . I can just see myself walking in to that room and hearing Simon Cowell (ok, so he’s no longer on the show, but you get my point) telling me that I’m awful, horrible and should never sing again.

I’m caught in a catch 22 I think . . . the only time I can’t hear the voice inside my head telling me that I can’t sing is when I’m actually singing . . . but hearing that voice has made it harder for me to actually do the thing that makes me stop hearing it. I’ve already stopped singing solos, which I used to love to do.

I don’t know how to stop hopping around on the ground and allow myself to feel free to fly . . . to become . . .

I wish I did.

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5 thoughts on “Becoming

  1. Oh Kate, God made you special. You are unique and wonderfully made. I know you have a gift for music. Let it shine. It’s who you are. God wouldn’t want it any other way. I SO wish I could some how figure out how to get you onto a blog I think you may find very inspiring. As I read your post I keep thinking you need to read it. I’ll see about getting the address. In the meantime….sing to me! xoxo

  2. Kate,
    I realize it has been years since I’ve heard you sing, but I always loved your voice (and no I am not just saying that to be nice). I know how you feel about hopping on the the ground though. It is hard to let go of those thoughts. You do have a gift. Keep telling yourself this. You are an eagle, not a chicken. Keep singing, and keep believing in yourself and one day you will soar.

  3. ok. here is my comment: you KNOW you can sing. god does NOT give us desires for good in areas we can not contribute. now, HOW that happens is up for interpretation, but the truth remains you are meant to sing.

    the first thought that came to my mind was that, even if you never sing in front of another person again, you need to sing as much as you can on your own – because it brings you joy, solace, energy and all sorts of great things that make you who you are … and will help you be the best kate, and therefore instrument for god, that you can be.

    the second thought is this: simply do it. if you want to sing in a performance capacity (solo, choir), do it. find a local choir that sings uplifting (even if it isn’t gospel) music and join in! if there is a cost associated, save up, or ask for some help from friends who would be happy to support/sponsor you.

    you are not a waffler, missy! so take a leap from the frying pan and into the fire … it will be warmer and better than you imagined.

    ok. getting off the soapbox now!!

    much love & hugs …

    • thank you Cath . . . you’re exactly right . . . i also need to stop COMPARING myself to anyone else . . . because God has shown me time and again that i am useful to Him . . . even as imperfect as i am . . . and thank you Rose and Paige for your kind words . . . 🙂

  4. I love singing so very much! I am absolutely certain that I don’t really have a solo quality voice, but that’s okay – I’ve sung solos now and then anyway, and I somehow survived the experience! I am most comfortable in a duet, trio or quartet. Anyway, I can relate to insecurity about singing in front of others, and it hurts my heart to read of the difficulty you’ve been experiencing. Although I haven’t had the opportunity to hear you singing, I would certainly love to! God not only gave you your talent, but also a love for it. I hope you can work through the issues you’ve been facing and be able to enjoy singing solos again. As for other people, I don’t believe they’re being judgmental – I think they’re just grateful that THEY’RE not up there singing! 😉

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