Invisible

Yep. That’s how I feel 99% of the time. It’s gotten to the point where I’m constantly over-sharing on Facebook where I know that people don’t REALLY want to know the stuff I’m saying, simply so that I can feel like someone SEES me.

I don’t want to be fawned over. That has never been, nor will it ever be, my style. I intensely dislike being in the ‘spotlight’ unless I’m on stage. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me.

I do, however, feel like I’m completely passed over (by a majority of the people I know . . . there are a few here and there who always stop and say hello, bless their hearts!) unless someone needs me. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to be needed, but it gets a little transparent when no one realises I might need THEM.

I might need them to actually care more than a perfunctory ‘how are you? heard you haven’t been feeling well’ comment when you know they don’t REALLY want to know the real answer to that question. I might need a friend who actually sees ME and can tell when I’m faking the smile . . . I might need to feel loved instead of just needed (and yes, there is a difference).

Before anyone says that I need to reach out to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to me, rest assured, I DO! I just wish it would come to more than just an occasional casual friendship. It’s been 2 years since my most recent BFF moved away, and I miss her so much. L was just the kind of person who could see ME for ME . . . and I could see her for her . . . and I miss that. I absolutely know that she’s where she is supposed to be, but at the same time, I miss knowing that no matter what, there was someone close by (in my own city) who actually could tell I’m not invisible.

I’m so tired . . . and it’s not just the autoimmune issues talking. I am weary of pretending everything’s ok. I would LOVE to have someone to hold my hand when I say that and say ‘I know it’s not.’

I just want a friend.

Marriage Mondays

This poor blog of mine has been sadly neglected. I am going to do better though, and try to post more often. I’ve got some great crochet projects that I haven’t shared yet, and some books I haven’t reviewed (not going to do a March Reading Roundup, but may choose to do separate posts for each book), and thoughts I’ve not yet shared! :lol:

But first, I’m going to start a ‘blog series’ called “Marriage Mondays”. I don’t know about you, but my husband is my very best friend in the entire world. I love him with all my heart, and as good as our marriage is, I know it can only get better if I make even more of an effort to show my love and appreciation for him! :)

I’m on Pinterest, and have found a tonne of fabulous ideas for enriching your marriage. However, the ideas won’t enrich my marriage if I don’t actually USE them, right? ;) In that vein, I started a project last week. The original idea as posted on Pinterest was 99 Things You Might Be Thankful For About Your Husband, and suggested that you send an email/text every day to let him know you’re thinking of him. Some of the ideas are things that don’t apply to my situation, so I altered the idea a bit and am doing a 52~week project where I send J an e-card every week and include something from my own list of 52 things (if you want to see my list, let me know).

So, for anyone who may happen to read this someday, I encourage you to make your marriage even more of a priority. Let your sweetheart know how much you love them!

February Reading Roundup

Erm . . . better late than never, right? :lol:

I find it hard to blog when I’m not feeling well. Unfortunately, that kind of gives you an inkling into what my March has been like. Ahh . . . such is life with chronic health issues.

So, let’s see . . . in February I finished 8 more books, bringing my total for January and February up to 13. 

First off was ‘Love Finds You In Liberty, Indiana’. This is part of a series of stand-alone novels called the ‘Love Finds You’ series. Each of these inspirational fiction novels ‘showcases’ a city in the U.S. which has an unusual name. ‘Liberty’ was an intriguing book set at the time of the Underground Railroad. Anna Brent and her father are ‘conductors’ on the ‘railroad’. Anna feels that as a Quaker, she must help every soul who is in trouble, and she feels God’s hand upon her, calling her to this dangerous work. Unfortunately, she often feels alone, as, obviously, her efforts to help slaves escape to freedom in Canada must be kept secret. When that secret is threatened, she wonders if she can trust Daniel Stanton, a man who is outspoken in his abolitionist views. I really enjoyed reading about Anna and her desire to do what God wants her to do. I also enjoyed the way the friendship developed between Anna and Daniel. I have enjoyed the few ‘Love Finds You’ books I’ve been able to read so far, and this was no exception. (four stars)

I remember reading some of the ‘Little House on the Prairie’ series when I was a girl, and decided to re-read them again starting last year. I’m wondering now if I ever read more than the last one of the series, because I honestly don’t remember the first ones! :lol: At any rate, the second book I finished in February was ‘The First Four Years’, which finished out the series. It was a quick read (I finished it in a day), but I really enjoyed reading about Laura and Almanzo’s first years of marriage. All in all, it was a pleasant journey back to the early days of American pioneering, and this series will be one I will likely return to and read again and again. (four stars)

One of my favourite Christian authors is Karen Kingsbury. I find her writing style just envelopes me and her characters are so real you at times want to shake your head in exasperation at them, or just give them a big hug. ‘Take Three’ is the third book in her ‘Above the Line’ series, which chronicles the journey of two Christian filmmakers who are on a mission to bring faith back into the lives of the general American populace through inspirational movies. In this book, one of the producers makes a choice that ultimately takes him in a different direction than making films, and the other finds miraculous guidance in going forward without the partner he thought would be by his side for the entire journey. The book also tells about the lives of the families and friends of the producers, and starts to wrap up a few of the story lines introduced in ‘Take One’ and ‘Take Two’. I’m excited to read ‘Take Four’ and see what ends up happening in the end! (four stars)

One of my dearest friends, knowing of my interest in the ‘Twilight’ series, recommended that I read a book called ‘Beautiful Creatures’ by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, which is the story of Ethan, a mortal boy, who meets and falls in love with Lena, a Caster girl. ‘Beautiful Chaos’ is the 3rd novel in the ‘Caster Chronicles’, and tells of how Ethan, Lena and their friends try to repair a ‘broken world’ that was created in events in the 2nd novel (‘Beautiful Darkness’). I’ve really enjoyed these novels. They are a supernatural fantasy set in the deep South, and have a definite Southern Gothic feel to them. I wish I could say more without spoiling the novels for those who have not yet read them, but I will say this much . . . the ending left me breathless and stunned. (four stars)

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and believe that God has called prophets to lead His people in this day and age, just as He did in Biblical times. One of those prophets was Gordon B. Hinckley (1910-2008). President Hinckley led the Church from 1995, until his death in 2008, and until her death in 2004, his wife Marjorie Pay Hinckley was always by his side. I cannot think of anyone who didn’t adore Sister Hinckley. She was a small, smiling, grandmotherly type woman, who always had a gracious word for everyone. When a friend of mine reviewed her book ‘Letters’, I knew it was something I wanted to read for myself, and I am so glad I did. My impressions of Sister Hinckley were of a gracious woman, one who found joy in life, but was content to be in the background. From her letters, I learned that my impressions were correct, and yet I learned so much more. Her personality really shone through in her writing, and I found myself smiling and laughing at her humour and use of words like ‘swell’ (let me tell you, that did NOT sound like the Sister Hinckley I was familiar with, but did it ever endear her more to me!) and such. If you want to get a more complete glimpse into the life and personality of Marjorie Pay Hinckley, I HIGHLY recommend this book! :) (five stars)

Part of my belief in God and in His plan for His children includes my belief that God’s words are to be treasured. Because of that belief, I have adopted a plan of daily Scripture study. I enjoy reading these ‘letters from Home’ as it were, and no matter how many times I finish a book of Scripture, I always find new things or gentle reminders of what I need to be doing in my life. I finished ‘The Pearl of Great Price’ in February. This book ‘fleshes out’ some of the experiences of Abraham and Moses that are recorded in the Old Testament. I appreciate having this additional record of 2 of the great prophets of the Old Testament, because I believe it only clarifies and reinforces what we learn in the Old Testament writings. I am so grateful for the Scriptures and for the knowledge they bring me of a loving Father in Heaven who has a plan for the happiness of His children. (five stars)

As mentioned in my previous book roundup, I really enjoy a good Amish fiction novel. I have always been fascinated by the Plain life, and really respect them for their efforts in trying to live the Biblical injunction to be ‘in the world, but not of the world’.  ‘An Amish Gathering’ is a collection of 3 novellas, detailing the lives of 3 young women in one Amish settlement, who are trying to do what God wants them to do, and how each of them comes to find love in her life. ‘A Change of Heart’ talks about Leah, who is admittedly not good at doing anything that a good Amish wife is ‘supposed’ to do. She feels called to write stories that will help people understand God’s love for them, and hopefully draw them towards faith in Him. Leah struggles with what she feels she ‘should’ do and what she feels God WANTS her to do, and despairs of ever finding a man who will accept her for who she really is. ‘A Place of His Own’ talks about Amanda, whose childhood best friend, Josiah, has suddenly returned after 10 years away from the community. Amanda is a ‘fixer’ and is troubled to see Josiah’s broken heart, but soon realises that there are some things that only God can fix. In ‘When Winter Comes’, we read about Rebecca, who is mourning the death of her twin sister in an accident that happened 5 years prior, and Ben, the young man who has loved Rebecca since they were children, and continues to wait for her to find peace and healing. Both Rebecca and Ben need to learn that healing comes in God’s time, and that forgiveness, especially the ability to forgive oneself is a gift to be highly prized. (three stars)

The last book I finished in February was another choice for the Fans of Amish Fiction book club. ‘A Wedding Quilt for Ella’ is not a typical mostly-lighthearted read. Within pages of the beginning, Ella’s fiance is taken from her unexpectedly, and she feels her life start to spiral out of control. As the troubles mount in their close-knit community, Ella must figure out for herself what it means to trust God’s will, and realise that even in the midst of difficulties, God still does love her. Ella begins to find healing in reaching out to others in their sorrows, and in making plans to move forward with her life the way she believes her departed Aden would have wanted. I’m looking forward to reading the next book in this series. (three stars)

2012 book count for January-February ~ 13/75

Songs of Our Land

Being a home schooling mom to one has its advantages. One of those is the ability for Christopher and I to attend the Edmonton Symphony every once in a while. The ESO does a yearly concert series for school children, and has graciously made it possible for home schooling families to get in on the fun!

The concert ‘theme’ for this year was ‘Songs of Our Land: music celebrating the spirit of Alberta’. They started out with Aaron Copland’s ‘Hoedown’ from ‘Rodeo’, which is something I remember playing parts of in orchestra back at university, so that was a treat. Since there is a very strong Native influence in Alberta, we were treated to a Metis fiddle group from one of the local schools, a Cree drumming circle (complete with a dancer!) and an Inuit throat singer. ‘The Song of Hiawatha’ from Dvorak’s ‘New World Symphony’ was presented, as well as ‘The Swan’ by Saint-Saens. The finale number was performed by a group of Metis Jiggers, and was a perfect ending to an amazing concert.

This was a very emotional concert for me. It started off with the singing of ‘O Canada’, and as I sang the words to that hymn, I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and love for my adopted nation. When the ESO played the Dvorak, tears were streaming down my face as I recalled that piece of music being a favourite of my Grandpa Rees, and the sentimentality of it carried over to remembering my Grandpa Goodrich who passed away almost a year ago.

As poignant as those moments were though, the real emotion of this morning was amazement at the beautiful music of the Native peoples. Their connection to the land and to nature and to the Great Spirit was very evident in the way they played and sang and danced. It made me grateful to be an Albertan.

January Reading Roundup

I’m going to take a page from Beth’s blog and start doing monthly roundup posts, detailing at least what I read and stitched during the previous month.

In January, I completed 5 books. I’ve set a goal for myself to read 75 books this year, so I think I need to up my pace, though I finished half of a book I had to return to the library, as there were holds on it, and read 95% of a book in January, but didn’t finish until yesterday, so it will have to be counted for February’s finishes.

The first book I finished in 2012 was ‘Snowflake Bride’ by Jillian Hart, the fourth book in her ‘Buttons and Bobbins’ series. The series chronicles the friendships and love stories of 7 girls in 1880s Montana. ‘Snowflake Bride’ is Ruby’s story, and it’s my favourite of the series so far. I really related with Ruby, as a shy girl, who often doesn’t feel like she deserves to be loved. Ruby is also a crocheter, like me, and the name of the book refers to the crocheted snowflakes she makes for her friends’ Christmas gifts. Because Ruby’s family is poor, and work is hard to find, she seeks employment as a maid with one of the wealthiest families in the area. Lorenzo, the family’s son, knew Ruby from school, and has been drawn to her kindness and compassion. As Lorenzo and Ruby come to know each other better through more constant interaction, they must face difficult choices if they are to find out God’s plan for their lives. (four stars)

The second book I finished was Ally Condie’s ‘Crossed’, the second book in her dystopian ‘Matched’ trilogy. In this book, Cassia, who has already started questioning what the Society wants her to do with her life, goes on a journey to find the young man she loves, Ky. The book alternates from the points of view of Cassia and Ky, as they try to find their way back to each other. Each one must also decide if they want to return to the Society, or if they are willing to risk joining the Rising and fight against the Society for a chance to choose what they will do with their lives. I enjoyed ‘hearing’ Ky’s point of view, and it helped me understand the motivation behind some of his choices. I’m looking forward to the conclusion of the storyline. (four stars)

‘The Healing’ by Wanda Brunstetter is the second book in the ‘Kentucky Brothers’ series. This book tells the story of Samuel Fisher, a widower who decides to move to the Kentucky Amish community where his brother lives in hopes that the memories of his deceased wife will stop haunting him. He hires Esther Beiler to watch his children while he is working, and as Samuel heals from the loss of his precious Elsie, he finds himself drawn to Esther. Misunderstandings and jealousies arise and both Samuel and Esther must open their hearts to see God’s hand at work in their lives. (three stars)

I was so excited when it was announced that the Church would be publishing a book on the history and work of Relief Society. ‘Daughters In My Kingdom’ did not disappoint! As I made my way through the chapters, a sense of awe, and joy captured my heart at the very fact that I am a member of a society that has blessed the lives of so many. I felt inspired to try my best to live up to the examples of the righteous women of Relief Society who have gone before me. I will be reading this over and over again, to remind myself of what my Father wants me to do. (five stars)

I belong to a group of Amish fiction lovers over on GoodReads, and each month, two books are chosen for the group to read together. January’s ‘Amish’ choice was ‘Hannah’s Journey’ by Anna Schmidt. Most books in the ‘Amish fiction’ genre are set exclusively in the Amish community itself.  This book was set primarily amongst a circus community in the late 1920s. Hannah’s son, Caleb, has run away with the circus that wealthy Levi Harmon owns, and Hannah turns to Levi for help in bringing her son home to their Amish community. Levi suggests that Hannah come with him to meet up with his circus train so that she can find Caleb and bring him home, and as Hannah makes her journey to find her son, she finds unexpected friendships along the way, including one that will change the life of her and her son forever. As mentioned earlier, this book is a departure from the norm in Amish fiction, but I enjoyed it and will be reading more of Anna Schmidt’s work.  (three stars)

2012 book count ~ 5/75 

Answered Prayer

I had the neatest experience last night and into this morning. One that still makes me smile and tear up. Last night (and it’s a long story why, involving my OCD and organising the blogs I read into various categories ~ don’t ask!), I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to make me aware of one of His little ones who was going through a medical trial and needed my prayers. At the time, I thought that the likelihood of that prayer being answered specifically was a wee bit slim, and resolved to pray for ALL of Father’s little ones, even if I couldn’t pray for them by name.

Oh me of little faith! God answered my prayer in a big and unexpected way this morning. I was reading blogs like I usually do in the mornings, when I came across Ashley’s (Make It and Love It) blog post for today: all about her college roommate Katie, and her 1 year old son Dylan who will be having leg amputation surgery on Wednesday morning due to a medical condition. (The details of Dylan’s story are found in Katie’s blog about the topic.)

Wow, was I ever humbled. As tears ran down my face, I prayed for Dylan’s surgery to go well, and for Katie and her family to be blessed with peace. I also thanked my Father in Heaven for showing me that He is bigger than my imagination; that He can answer even the most seemingly ‘obscure’ prayers in a BIG way!